When Bad Comedians Attack!
by Writer's Blah
Summary: A WWF match between the most popular movie stars and comedians in the world! Hosted by Drew Carry and Big Fish Games's Fatman! Also sponsored by Will Turner, Chuckie, and hush puppies! [?] [PotCxShrekxSMxFLxTSCxGMxWLiiAxChuckie]
1. Introductions

**When Bad Comedians Attack! **

**An Original Story by Writer's Blah **

**© 2007, Writer's Blah **

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, Shrek, Marvel comics, Fruit Loops (You'll see what I mean!) or the false idol Santa Claus. I also don't own Groucho Marx or the popular game show "Whose Line is it Anyway" or Big Fish Games or whatever company that made the creepy horror movie "Chuckie".

HOST: Welcome, cage-fighting fans!

CO-HOST: We present to you a clash of movie giants, plus some bad comedians!

Co-Host plays laugh track.

HOST: In this one of a kind, once in a lifetime, three-on-three match, to see who the real giants are! I'm your host, Drew Carry!

CO-HOST: And I'm your co-host, Fatman!

Dramatic music plays, the lights dim, and a spotlight goes upon the stage to two gates.

DREW: And now, we are pleased to announce the members of team one, namely…Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End!

JACK: This place doesn't look like Port Royal…

FATMAN: Shrek from Shrek, Shrek 2, Shrek 3-D, Shrek 4-D, and Shrek the Third!

SHREK: I thought this was an "All-You-Can-Barf" buffet, not some cheap-o wrestling match.

DREW AND FATMAN: And Spider-Man from Spider-Man 1, 2, and 3!

SPIDER-MAN: This looks oddly familiar. This time, I better not get cheated out of my money!

DREW: Now, we present to you, team two! We present to you, Toucan Sam, president of Fruit Loops Inc.!

SAM: This isn't where my nose is leading…

FATMAN: Santa Claus, that fake jolly prowler who breaks into your house and leaves gifts!

SANTA: You'd better watch out!

DREW AND FATMAN: And lastly, Groucho Marx!

GROUCHO: No substitutions, exchanges, or refunds…wait, this isn't a comedy act! I'm late for New Orleans! I want my spicy French fry-flavored jalapeño covered pancakes!

DREW: We thank our sponsors, who forcefully brought these competitors here against their will, in a life-or-death situation…

Screen shows a still picture of Will Turner and Chuckie. (scary movie, not Rugrats).

DREW: …so they can fight in WWF for our pitiful, strangely tormented humor.

Audience boos.

FATMAN: But who am I or my co-host to say that humor is underrated?

DREW: Hey! I'm the main host!

FATMAN: Yeah, the guy who hosts the game show "Whose Line Is It Anyway" is the main host, while the star of the unpopular game from Big Fish Games who is constantly getting eaten by Fang Monsters raw without ketchup or mayonnaise is his little servant!

DREW: Your point?

Audience laughs.

SANTA: I agree with Fatman.

FATMAN: See? I'm respected for my dignity, pride…

SANTA: No, I just sided with him because he's fat like me!

DREW: Well, that was humiliating. For you, I mean.

Fatman grits his teeth.

FATMAN: Just get on with the show.

Fatman laughs insanely and his right eye twitches.

GROUCHO: Yeah, Drew! You should get a dill pickle to start the show, and then kiss it!

DREW: Now why would I do that?

GROUCHO: Because you're Drew! Drew Pickles from Rugrats!

DREW: That's Drew Carry, not Drew Pickles.

GROUCHO: Carry, Pickles, same difference. Those two names sound a lot alike, like the fact that water and batteries sound a lot alike.

Audience laughs.

DREW: You know what, Fatman? You're right! We should start the show because SOME PEOPLE are getting angsty!

JACK: Finally! Now I can put my sword to good use!

Will Turner appears out of nowhere and takes Jack's sword.

JACK: Hey! I thought you're on my side!

WILL: Sorry, Jack. Regulations clearly state that a thing like that isn't allowed in the match.

JACK: To this with regulations!

Jack rips lattice wall out of the cage, throws it onto the floor and steps on it.

CHUCKIE: What did you say, punk?

JACK: Ehh, yeah. Regulations, yeah.

DREW AND FATMAN: Well, after Will repairs the wall, LET THE MATCH BEGIN!!

DREW: First up, it's "Spider-Man Versus Groucho Marx"!

GROUCHO: Yeah, coincidence that the guy I insulted puts me to be in the first match.


	2. Spider Man Versus Groucho Marx

**When Bad Comedians Attack!**

Spider-Man and Groucho enter some opened doors leading to the inside of the steel cage. Each show competitive glances, although Groucho looks more ridiculous than competitive.

SPIDER-MAN: Get ready to be marked up.

GROUCHO: HEY! The puns are mine, itsy bitsy spider!

SPIDER-MAN: I already heard that one. Green Goblin used it.

GROUCHO: Well that's no fun!

SPIDER-MAN: What would you know about fun, hunchback?

GROUCHO: A lot more than you, "arach-man"! I'm a professional comedian!

SPIDER-MAN: Yet you didn't save a pun for that last line! Some comedian you are!

FATMAN: (laughs) Alright, let's save it for the actual match, you two!

DREW: What are you doing?!? It was about to get to the really good part!

FATMAN: Well, if I don't host, then I'm out of a job, and if I'm out of a job, I don't get any money, and if I don't have any money, it's back to the treasure caves!

DREW: Like I care. I just chose you for a co-host because you were available!

FATMAN: Which if we keep this up, I won't be!

DREW: Blah, blah, blah. All you talk about is yourself. "I, I, I". If I were you, I would be more generous and courteous, and…

Chuckie interrupts and takes out a knife.

CHUCKIE: Alright you two! Host this thang or I'll be hosting the both of you's in a graveyard!!

DREW: Ermm, okay. …right. Let the match begins.

Will Turner rings the tiny bell with Jack's confiscated sword.

**ROUND 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **

Spider-Man and Groucho circle each other, simply waiting for an opening. Spidey acts first, and shoots a stream of web to the ceiling of the cage, and the web hooks around the steel lattice covering. Spidey lifts himself to the ceiling and holds himself up.

GROUCHO: Hey! No fair using superpowers!

SPIDER-MAN: Well you have one too!

GROUCHO: You mean my abstract concept to confuse individuals with my network of amusing gags?

SPIDEY: Err…something like that.

GROUCHO: Well, I just used it!

Groucho grabs Spidey and throws him on the floor. He then body slams him and throws him into the wall.

DREW: Ooh, that had to hurt!

SPIDEY: Why don't you come down here? Then I'll show you "hurt"!

DREW: On second thought, I'll stay right here.

GROUCHO: Smart move, fuzzy.

Spidey swings himself at Groucho like Tarzan, then traps Groucho in a web.

GROUCHO: Is that the best you've got?

Groucho flexes, and the webs come off of him.

GROUCHO: Now let's see how much you like the taste of a cigar!

SPIDEY: Sorry, I don't smoke.

GROUCHO: No, not that kind of cigar.

Groucho throws a lit cigar at Spidey, and it explodes upon impact.

GROUCHO: How do you like that, Mr. My-Opponent-Doesn't-Have-Any-Super-Powers?

SPIDEY: Oh it's alright with me.

Spidey takes out one of the Green Goblin's pumpkin grenades and throws it at Groucho.

GROUCHO: Let me guess. You borrowed them when you were in _Spider-Man: Friend or Foe_.

SPIDEY: Ayup!

GROUCHO: Time to put my secret plan in action.

SPIDEY: (Thoughts are underlined.) Time to put my secret plan in action. Whoa, déjà vu!

GROUCHO: That's what it's called.

SPIDEY: That's what it's called. STOP IT!!

Spidey is shaking and his hands are locked tightly on his ears.

DREW: What the (beep) is going on?

FATMAN: Methinks Groucho is somehow gaining the upper hand.

DREW: Oh I can see that, Mr. Obvious!

FATMAN: Are you trying to make a point?

DREW: YEAH!! I'M TRYING TO MAKE WAR!!

A random hippy comes out of the audience.

HIPPY: Hey dudes, make peace, not war.

DREW: Get out of my way you hippy freak!

HIPPY: It's not nice to call people freaks.

DREW: SHUT UP!!!!! 

HIPPY: Maybe I should call the ASPCA.

DREW: WHAT?!?

HIPPY: You're acting like a victim.

(Flashback)

SPIDEY: STOP IT!!

GROUCHO: No.

SPIDEY: No. I…can't…take it anymore!

Spidey is falling onto his knees. Drew is dog piling the hippy.

FATMAN: Since Drew is busy, it's my job to say that Groucho wins!

**Victory: GROUCHO! GROUCHO! GROUCHO! O CANADA!! **

FATMAN: Didn't know where that came from. Anyway…

Fatman's cell phone rings.

FATMAN: Hello? Yes. Mmm…okay. See you in eleven seconds.

Fatman hangs up.

FATMAN: It appears we have a surprise competitor. He has come to battle Spider-Man.

A large garage door opens up to reveal a robot. It walks into the arena.

SPIDEY: …Who are you?

The robot only talks by typing words on a screen on its face.

ROBOT: i Am cApS lOcK mAn!!

SPIDEY: Okay…and what do you do?

CAPS LOCK MAN: I sCrAmBlE yOuR sPeEcH tO tExT!!

spidey; oH NO!! mY SPEECH IS GETTING MIXED UP AS SPEAK! NO oH! HAPPENING IS ALREADY iT!

FATMAN: Luckily, the hosting box is resistant to text-based assassinations! We'll get back to you as soon as someone wins!

**PLEASE STAND BY **

**30 MILLISECONDS LATER **

FATMAN: Spider-Man won by making the robot overload! But he was still beaten by Groucho Marx, so he still loses. Isn't that great?

SPIDEY: Can I keep the robot's torn-off head as a trophy?

FATMAN: No.

Drew finishes the fight with the hippy. Drew lost, and comes backs with bruises and cuts.

FATMAN: What just happened to you?

DREW: I don't want to talk about it.

Drew spontaneously becomes psychotically happy again.

DREW: Anyway, Team 2 gets a point and the next match is "Shrek Versus Santa"!

SANTA: You'd better watch out!

SHREK: Why should I worry? You're a fairytale character that is totally defenseless.

SANTA: You must have not read my latest book, "'Twas the Night before Christmas 2: Santa's Dark Side"…Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!


End file.
